I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
