I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
