i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
