Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
