apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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