dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
