I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
