Just cropdusted the office
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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