Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
