did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
