why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
