I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
