The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
