someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
