So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
