new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
