I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
