god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
