Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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