there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
