life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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