WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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