also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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