You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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