Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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