then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
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