Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
