im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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