a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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