Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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