Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
