Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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