my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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