I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
