the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
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Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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