I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
