I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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