The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
