you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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