I accidentally had phone sex last night
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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