Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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