the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
