So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
