just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Randomize
