I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
