All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.