Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.