my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We're too hungover to prance.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT