If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I checked into jail on foursquare
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter