I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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