so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
