Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
