I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
