Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
