I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
