Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
