when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
