Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
