I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
