Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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