Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
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Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
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Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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