My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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